Fridge (Sorta) Funnies

Wasn't on my fridge, but funny anyway.

I’m straightening up the Byrdcave for my much anticipated visit from my sweetheart, and one of the things I’ve done was to clear the clutter that has accumulated under the magnets on the fridge the past three years. Mostly expired coupons and reminders to do things that it’s far too late to get around to, but there were a couple of things on there that I found moderately amusing, so I’ve scanned them to share them hereon for eternity…

First, this was a picture I cut out of the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation, our excuse for a local newspaper. It shows a guy carrying a dog, but it looks like a dogheaded man carrying a dog. I thought it was funny.

Ruh-Roh!

Then we have an actual ad from a furniture dealer in which, along with the furnishings, they’re offering a one night stand, I guess with the cutie sitting on the bed. Though she seems sorta young. Maybe somebody should investigate this place.

"Take me home at a discount!"

Malaprop 3: The Ironing

(Read Malaprop 1Read Malaprop 2…)

The time feels right for another installment of my Malaprop series, in which I share some delightful literature I’ve snipped from hither and thither on the net…

Can you spot all the errors? Continue reading

If You Open Your Mind Too Much, Your Brain Will Fall Out

A great song by Tim Minchin.

When It Rains, It Pours (Talkin’ Dirty on Facebook) (NSFW)

Oh the things we talk about on Facebook… Continue reading

Is This A Ride (A Customer Service Nightmare)

Anyone who has ever had to work in a customer service position will be able to identify with this Disney employee.

At the Disney parks, there are Mickey Mouses hidden all over. Can you find the “hidden Mickeys” in this picture?

Goofy Political Emoticons

Just to amuse myself yesterday, I started coming up with new emoticons.

Here they are. Feel free to add your own in the comments if you like.

‎;i ;i ;i ;i ;i ;i        Blink blink blink…weird smokin’ guy with a twitchy eye

‎:911                    Rudy Giuliani

:2+2=25            Sarah Palin (may also represent Michelle Bachman)

‎:USA<$$$       The GOP

:NOIQ                 Tea Baggers

:C+                       Barack Obama

:F-                         George W. Bush

:666                     Dick Cheney

And my favorite:

:(###################################

A sour face and a lotta pounds?

That’s Rush Limbaugh, of course.

“Jenny” by Flight of the Conchords

While searching for todays’s Song of the Week, I came across this witty gem from Flight of the Conchords.

Malaprop 2: The Reckoning

NO! NO! PLEASE...PLEASE WRITE CORRECTLY!!!

Go to  Malaprop 1.

Last week, I shared some of my collection of malaprops, little bits of communications gone awry. I’ve been gathering this material for a while and am sharing it in doses so as not to fry too many of your brain cells all at once.

Time for some more.

One note: I had someone call me out on the tone of the first post, and upon reflection I overplayed the whole “idiot” thing. Some of these errors are from idiots, I’m sure, but many of them are not. They’re just mistakes in language perfectly intelligent folks have picked up without realizing. My rhetoric was meant in fun more than it was meant to antagonize or belittle.

Except when it comes to the real idiots. Screw them.

Now on with the show… Continue reading

Watch Where You Sit…

…unless you use this product, I guess.

It’s a lubricant.

Malaprop

I enjoy idiots, up to a point. Watching something like Fox & Friends can be as humorous as watching an old Three Stooges short, if less intellectually stimulating. But only up to a point.

(Hilariously, as I started writing this, Green Day’s song “American Idiot” started up on the random playlist I’m listening to).

But I wish the idiots weren’t so prevalent, particularly at the voting booth, but also on the Internet. As a writer, a reader, a person who values clear thought and knowledge, and an educated guy, I’m often appalled at what I see passing for communication among my fellow citizens.

A while back, I started collecting bits of idiocy I came across online. Now, I’m not talking about net-speak or texting shortcuts, or even persistent spelling stupidities like using “villian” instead of “villain.” I’m talking about people using words and phrases that don’t work the way they think they do.

I haven’t bothered sourcing these. My intent isn’t to embarrass anyone specifically. But my sources range from comments left on blog posts here and there all the way up to the Gray Lady herself, The New York Times.

I haven’t bothered with anything from the brain of George W. Bush, as the only torture he practiced that was more egregious than that he practiced on human beings was that he practiced on language. He’s in a class all by himself.

I’m going to break my collection up into serialized posts. I’m posting this stuff for two reasons: one, to laugh at the gaffes of those who can’t be bothered to make sure they’re saying what they think they’re saying, and two, to encourage anyone reading to please bother to make sure. Especially if you’re presenting your work as even semi-professional, much less professional, writing.

Now, onward to the flubs and gaffes. Can you identify them all? Continue reading

Cold World

This whole week has been about snow.

At one point, it was reported that snow was falling in forty-nine of the fifty states. Only Florida had none.

For global warming deniers it’s been a grand old time, as they can all chortle to each other and say, “My my my, it sure is cold…guess that puts that old ‘global warming’ bullshit to rest,” as if they have a clue what they’re talking about. (Hint: they don’t, and this extreme weather is, if anything, likely evidence that climate change theories are correct).

Here, we’ve been solidly snowed in. Inches of snow have over the course of the week solidified into a hard slick shell over everything. The kids have missed (or, more likely, not) school since Monday, and tomorrow (Friday) remains to be seen. We don’t have the infrastructure for snow that northern states have, and our drivers are imbeciles as a rule (distracted by their kvetching about that stupid Al Gore, perhaps), so weather like this rightly makes us cautious.

I’ve had a wonderful time, just hanging out with my son here at the Byrdcave, playing games, watching old Seinfelds, reading. Taking Boone, our two year old Point Bernard (English Pointer/St. Bernard mix) for walks and watching him spin out on slopes.

We also spent some time at my kid’s mom’s, where we established a pretty speedy sled path down the backyard hill, using a boogie board left from some beach vacation as a sled.

Traversing the landscape when it’s slippery and glacial always reminds us of an amusing incident from another snowfall a few years ago. My son, his mom, and I were carefully negotiating a snow-packed sidewalk in downtown Decatur, and she told him “Watch out for the black ice.”

Unfortunately, just as she did, a small group of black kids my son knew from school passed us, close enough to hear, and from their expressions, we were pretty sure what they thought they’d heard her say was, “Watch out for the black guys.”

So now, when it’s frozen underfoot, my son and I make sure to bring that up, and it never gets old.

Birds Falling From The Skies? Now We Know Why

Thanks to the Great Global Goon Patrol, we now know what’s causing these mass animal deaths, and it’s not pollution or sonic weapons testing or liberals from Betelgeuse.

What’s Eating Your Head?

I only just became aware of the new fashion accessory called a SpiritHood, and while it appeals to me on a certain paganistic, carnal level (and I am generally quite paganistic and carnal myself), I have to say I have yet to see a picture of a guy wearing one in which said guy doesn’t look like a tool.

Women, on the other hand, can be pretty damn sexy in these things.

This picture sorta makes me want to start sleeping with a teddy bear again…

Just How Selfish WAS Jesus, Exactly?

It’s not often you see a true man of faith who’s a public figure in our culture who actually walks the walk.

Stephen Colbert is exactly that.

A devout Catholic (who actually teaches Sunday school), he not only bases his political views on principles like compassion and rationality, he’s extremely active with a long list of charities. He’s clearly a much better man than the buffoon he lampoons, Bill O’Reilly (who this week hilariously tried to one-up an atheist on his show by telling him we don’t know what causes the tides to go in and out).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Well Nigh Apocalypse

An undead ex-VP rejects another heart…

Thousands of black birds with blood-red marks fall from the sky…

Dead fish choke the shores…

A troll doll from a northern state gets a book deal…

Orcs seize control of the House…

A newt and a hagfish in grizzly furs set their crazed eyes to the White House…

The Rupture is nigh.

How Obama Will Defeat the GOP (humor)

Made this myself. Now feel free to pass it on, especially to Democratic leaders.

I’d stand in line to meet Obama just to put this in his hand.

Want To Enjoy A Sacred, Raunchy Holiday Season?

‘Tis the season to remind folks of a holiday staple around the Byrdcave, the Santa books of Robert Devereaux. These incredible works of fantasy are both moving and filthy, sacred and profane, and guaranteed to awaken parts of your brain you might not even be aware of.

The first, Santa Steps Out, has been out of print lo these many years, but Devereaux recently regained the rights and has made it available as a Kindle download at Amazon. The second, Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes, is available in paperback and Kindle format.

I reviewed both here, and you can read the entries at:

Santa Steps Out

Santa Claus Conquers the Homophobes

An evil elf also recently told me there’s a third Santa book on the way, and a likely hardcopy set of all three by next Christmas.

Possibly the Coolest Website I’ve Ever Seen

This is masterful marketing and just fucking cool as hell…

Click here to see it, and just scroll slowly down the page once you arrive.

Hey There, Cthulhu

A song to get you in the Saturday Night With Cthulhu mood…
(Thanks to horror-meister Ray Garton for sharing this)

The Ultimate Compliment (hilarious song)

Genius.