It’s the Apocalypse. My Bad.

When I was a kid, I’d sometimes slip into action movie mode while doing mundane tasks. One of the ways I did this was to suddenly realize that there was a doomsday timer attached to my current action, and if I didn’t accomplish it in time, the world would explode.

Will I finish tying my shoe before the phone rings again…or will the world EXPLODE…?

Can I keep holding my breath until the commercial ends…or will the world EXPLODE…?

Will I make it through the evening without my father getting drunk and mean…or will the world EXPLODE…?

The world exploded fairly regularly on that last one.

This morning, I woke up at six, the time I get up when my son is here and has school. But he’s with his mom today, so there was no reason to get up that early, so I went back to sleep.

I had an odd dream in which I was visiting New York on a whim, seeing old friends and older enemies. And I misplaced my copy of The Trembling of a Leaf, the best porn erotic novel I ever read.

I woke up again and it was after nine. Later than intended, but no big deal, I have no place to be. Grabbed my iPad from the bedside, headed to the living room, put the iPad on the couch, and let the cat in for breakfast (“Noms,” quoth he). In the kitchen, I poured a cup of last night’s coffee and put it in the microwave for a minute and a half.

I fed the cat. Went to take a leak. Pulled on a shirt. Returned to the living room. I picked up the iPad and reached for its cord to plug it in to charge…and heard the hum of the microwave, still nuking my coffee.

I suddenly realized I had to stick the plug into the iPad before the microwave chimed…

I acted swiftly, bringing my hands toward each other, aiming the little plug for the slot at the gadget’s base. They touched. I wiggled the plug into position–

DING.

The world exploded.

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