The Real Chuck Norris Is So Chuck Norris… (UPDATED)

…I’d never let him in my house.

Chuck Norris is a tool. He’s a bad actor and an over-the-hill karate instructor and a particularly idiotic political commentator.

The jokes about him are often funny, but they aggrandize a man who should be allowed to wither in obscurity without the eyes of the world upon him. Granted the aggrandizement is largely ironic, but Norris is such a nitwit I’m sure he takes it all in as evidence of his place of respect in the world.

Back in May 2009, I took it upon myself to spend the day tossing out Facebook statuses which were Chuck Norris jokes that more properly belittled him. Offered below, for posterity, are my creations. I invite you to add more in the comments.

It’s a worthy cause.

Chuck Norris is so limber he can’t think straight.

When God invented tools, Chuck Norris demanded to be made the biggest tool of all. God obliged.

Chuck Norris makes more terrible movies before you get up than you do all day long.

Chuck Norris is so powerful he can make an odor even he can’t defeat.

Chuck Norris is so wimpy, other guys can beat him up with their faces.

Many are the reasons Chuck Norris is known for his martial arts skills but not his marital arts skills.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair. He has cilia like other unevolved organisms.

(That last one was my favorite).

UPDATE: I’ve added some…

Chuck Norris doesn’t know fear. Chuck Norris doesn’t know anything.

Chuck Norris has more guts than anybody. Chuck Norris is all rectum inside.

Chuck Norris has no use for math. Chuck Norris doesn’t count.

Chuck Norris does not believe in evolution. He has a mirror.

Chuck Norris doesn’t fear Cthulhu. Chuck Norris fears noth– ROAR.
Nom nom nom. Burp.

Chuck Norris’s T-shirt needs no hole to put his head in. Chuck Norris is efficient and limber and uses the hole in his ass instead.

When you look objectively at the Pyramid of Cool, Chuck Norris is all the way under a rock on the other side of the galaxy.

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