Conan the Barbarian is nowhere near as good as Conan the Barbarian, though Conan the Barbarian is better than Conan the Barbarian at being Conan the Barbarian.

Got that?

Let me further break it down for you.

I’m a big fan of Robert E. Howard’s Conan of Cimmeria (as I wrote about here back in 2004, a post I enjoyed reading again after all this time). A couple of weeks ago, my son and I finally got around to watching the new Conan the Barbarian. Or well, the first half of it.

Then we took a break to go do something, planning to return later. But as the days passed, we kept deciding instead to watch episodes of The West Wing, which neither of us have ever seen and have been catching up on.

“What you want to watch? The rest of Conan?”

“Nah. Let’s do a West Wing.”

This is a fifteen year old, mind you. A lover of carnage, a devoted video game junkie. A male teenager.

Of course, this speaks to his own intelligence and taste, as well as the greatness that is The West Wing. But it also speaks, loudly, to the quality of the Conan flick.

Well, we finally finished it. It pretty much sucks.

Which stinks, because Jason Momoa (Khal Drogo from A Game of Thrones) is a great choice for Conan. And the movie has good production values. It’s just that the writers, director, and possibly the editor need to get jobs in fast food, post haste, before they film again.

There’s just a general lack of creativity and intelligence to the movie. They have the fantastic original Howard stories to work from (as well as the excellent Dark Horse comics written by Kurt Busiek a few years ago), and they recycle the “Conan is seeking the wizard who killed his father” trope used in the old Conan movie (but none of the original tales) but lose any actual emotional resonance it had. And they give us the hackneyed “wizard is gathering pieces of a busted-up magic item that will allow him to take over the world” plot, and do absolutely nothing fresh or remotely interesting with it.

And the narrative is just fucking sloppy. At one point, Conan and the female lead have some naked fun, then fall asleep. She awakens before him. Mind you, this chick is an essential ingredient in the bad guy’s plan, and the bad guy is hunting her down, and the bad guy is a bad guy. Though not very interesting. And so what does this smart, scrappy woman do? She gets dressed and leaves. Why? I have no fucking idea. The movie gives us no explanation why she is sneaking away from the mighty warrior who is keeping her alive and who she likes well enough to screw. Seemingly within moments, the bad guy happens along and finds her, haplessly alone on the road.

In another scene, Conan and a thief pal are sneaking through an underground labyrinth in waist-deep water. A huge tentacle slithers up and grabs the thief, yanking him under. Conan dives in after him…and suddenly they are in water so deep you can’t see the walls or floor. Conan swims down, down, down into this waist-deep water, and saves his friend.

And the very last scene, which is supposed to be powerful and ties into the whole “avenged my dad” thing, is just embarrassing.

The old Conan the Barbarian with Arnold Schwarzenegger is a far better piece of work, though Momoa is, himself, a better Conan. He looks exactly right, he has charisma, and he can actually act. I really hope he gets another chance as Conan, but with a better team.

Like me. I’d write the hell out of a Conan movie.

(Note for regular friends of the blog: the movie is still vastly superior to the last Mummy flick).

As a devoted fan of Buster Keaton, books, and the amazing William Joyce, I have to say The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore may just be the most wonderful short film I have ever seen. It’s currently up for an Academy Award.

You need to see this, probably over and over…

Here in the Byrdcave, we’re old fans of Popeye. Not only did I watch the old cartoons countless times growing up, my son and I have each given Popeye gifts to each other. He gave me Warner Brothers’ awesome remastered collections of the classic Fleischer cartoons of the 1930s (which are wonderful, and far better than the later productions which kinda sucked); I have been giving him Fantagraphics’ gorgeous hardbacks collecting the original E.C. Segar comic strips as they come out.

Wilco, in cooperation with King Features Syndicate, has brought us the first hand-drawn Popeye cartoon in over three decades:

I hope Popeye rebounds by hooking up with Betty Boop.

If you never saw them, or need a reminder, or it’s just been too long, here’s one of the Fleischer classics, from 1936, in amazing quality:

And for bonus giggles, here’s a commercial featuring Popeye and Bluto that drove right wingers crazy when it aired:

UPDATE: Of course, now that I think about it, if we watch the Fleischer first, then the Wilco, then the Minute Maid cartoon, maybe we’re actually getting the full story of Popeye’s romantic life…

This classic horror comedy stars Vincent Price as a conniving undertaker who resorts to murder to drum up business. Peter Lorre is his bumbling, soft-hearted assistant, Boris Karloff his senile father-in-law, and Basil Rathbone his hardnosed landlord-turned-victim. Directed by Jacques Tourneur, with a brilliant script by horror great Richard Matheson, this is the sort of film Abbott and Costello might have made had they been into Shakespeare and worked for Hammer Films. Very smart, wonderfully entertaining, and family-friendly; we watch it every year.

You can watch it streaming on Netflix, or rent it on Amazon for $2.99.

Halloween/Samhain has always been my favorite holiday. To celebrate, here’s Springsteen channeling the raging ghost of Howlin’ Wolf with a perfect Halloween song…

For the interested, here are some posts from back in my blog somewheres related to Halloweeny goodness…

5 Classic Horror Flicks to Goose Your Bumps

…for those who might like to watch something scary and good, I figured I’d throw you a few bones. Collect ‘em all and you can build a skeleton.

These are just five classics, not my all time favorites or anything with that much thought behind it, not in any particular order. All of them are first rate.

5 New Classic Horror Flicks You Might Have Missed

Some more contemporary works that many people haven’t seen, and everybody who loves a good scare needs to.

Saturday Night With Cthulhu

Sebastian’s Voodoo (A Great Short Film)

A wonderful short animated film by UCLA student Joaquin Baldwin. It’s visually amazing, and the story is very moving.

My latest column at Inveterate Media Junkies is up. It’s part 2 of my look at pulp adventure films.

Two-Fisted Flickage (Pulp On The Big Screen, Part 2)

And if you missed part 1 or earlier columns:

If Adventure Has A Name (Pulp On The Big Screen)

Column 1: I Am Doc Savage

Column 2: I Am Not Doc Savage

He knows.

My latest column on pulp adventure is up at Inveterate Media Junkies. This month I’m discussing pulp movies.

If Adventure Has A Name (Pulp On The Big Screen)

And if you missed the earlier columns:

Column 1: I Am Doc Savage

Column 2: I Am Not Doc Savage

I AM NOT DOC SAVAGE

These old monster movies are so much a part of me that they’re integral threads of my creative DNA. So I love this…

This footage of the natural world by Terje Sorgjerd is one of the most beautiful and genuinely awe-inspiring things I’ve ever seen. (Thanks to Angel Leigh McCoy)