Feeling That Way

In my post yesterday (“The Passion of the Tim“), I wrote about how I believe my recent electroconvulsive therapy reawakened an intensity of emotion I’d either repressed over years of unhappiness, lost to the brain chemistry of chronic depression, or both. In looking back at the post, I realized I may not have been as clear as I’d like about some of that.

It’s plain enough that I think this reinvigoration was at least partly the cause of my reactions in a conflict with Kate over the weekend. Lately feeling everything at a heightened emotional gain, I overreacted to minor annoyances then was unable to muster enough self control to deal fairly or rationally with Kate as we disagreed.

What may be less clear is I think this renewed intensity is also behind the depth of the darker feelings I also discussed in the post, like my utter collapse into despair after the fight, when it seemed I’d alienated her forever:

And, I wound up damn near destroying our relationship, which we’d managed to rebuild from our earlier problems. By the time I went on “hiatus,” I felt I’d lost all hope, and was so devastated I didn’t think I’d be able to do anything positive or productive for a long time…if ever again.

During this collapse, I experienced the most powerful suicidal ideation I’ve ever had, and I was utterly miserable, an emotional basket case. Through my eyes, it seemed my only anchor to the mortal coil was my son. And other than being there for him, I saw no purpose in living, had no interest in any activities or goals or pleasures…

The morning and afternoon were endless. I didn’t feel like doing a damn thing. Even watching a TV show was agonizing, so writing or reading or going for a walk was definitely out of the question. I honestly wished I could be dead for the interminable hours when my kid wasn’t around, then resurrect when he was.

My apparent loss of Kate this time was soul destroying, far worse than it had been when we actually broke up as a couple in the first place before the ECT. I know depression well. I’m no stranger to thoughts of killing myself. And I certainly know sadness. But this was the most agonizing emotional state I’ve ever been in.

But I had my son, so I wasn’t gonna waste myself. Do I think I would have, had he not been a factor? Not really. I’ve made it all these years, and always found the strength to keep going, even suffering literal decades of debilitation from my depression. This felt worse, but the thing I know about suicide is it’s always there as an option, so you might as well put it off. If things stay shitty, well then maybe later…and maybe things will get better somehow.

Which they did. Kate called me and we regained some equilibrium. That’s what people who care about each other do; they don’t just throw each other away at the drop of a hat. Especially over minuscule annoyances.

And knowing that Kate was still in my life, my mood flipped. Crushing despair became elation. And that too came from my renewed emotional power.

It’s awesome to be so in touch with my heart and soul again, but clearly I can’t live in an emotional state that turns on a dime from happy happy to deepest despair. The visceral value of my life can’t hinge on a simple trigger like whether the girl I love is with me or not. I need to strengthen my psychological muscles so they can do the work needed to keep things in perspective. I may be horribly sad, or really pissed off, or draggingly pessimistic…but I need to learn again how to deal with any of that without flipping out.

So I’m working on that, and at the same time using my heightened functionality to rebuild my self and get my life moving the ways it should be.